I’ve heard many people say they write best when they are in emotional upheaval of some kind; feeling terribly lonely or sad, angry or even unbridled joy. This doesn’t work for me. My emotions often teeter on the edge of overabundance on a regular day, so when they seriously swing over one edge of the spectrum it is definitely NOT inspirational. It’s more like incapacitating.
However, there is a cycle that I can mostly control if I have the self discipline. When my life is calm, simplified, and routine I write a lot and I write well. If I take time out of my schedule to make time for writing I am calmer and better able to keep things in perspective. Writing for me is therapeutic. Whether I’m writing fiction or a blog entry it soothes me. I think this is the case for many writers. We write, not because we want to, but because we need to.
A writer’s creativity must be put on paper, or computer or “the cloud,” or it will overwhelm us. The need to write is like the need for food to live. We are drawn to words like many are drawn to love. Writing is a life line. We write because we are writers and because we must.
Ideas sometimes keep me awake or come to me in dreams. My self discipline is not where it should be in any aspect of my life, but as a writer it is seriously lacking. I can’t tell you the number if plots, characters and poems I’ve lost because I haven’t written them down as soon as I woke from the dream or while I was shopping or watching television. I need to begin treating pen and paper as my closest allies. These ideas come bursting forward and if I don’t get them down I mourn them. NOT writing is what adds sadness and loneliness to my life.
I must write. I must make it feasible to write whenever the inspiration comes. I must feed my hunger for words and ideas. I must stoke the embers of creativity whenever possible. I am a writer. It’s not just a hobby. It is a way of life.
Two hours ago I walked into the new bar in town with only thoughts of finding a dark corner to have one drink and quiet my mind. I told my husband I had to work late on paperwork, which wasn’t entirely a lie I just decided to put it off until another day. I needed a moment of “me” time. I’d been overwhelmed lately with stress at work, stress at home and the never-ending stream of bills that seem to find my mail slot. I’d not heard much about the new place so I didn’t think I’d run into anyone I knew and I was right. There wasn’t a single familiar face in the place. After ordering my cosmo I turned to find a table away from the handful of people mingling at that early hour and nearly ran into someone. Not just someone, but a woman with the most intriguing smile. I gave my apologies and quickly slipped away to the corner.
Sitting with my back to the wall I continued to watch her, occasionally meeting her glance and quickly looking away. She seemed to know several of the women there. She came across as confident, yet sweet, greeting each of her friends with a hug and that beautiful smile. Other people came and went but I barely noticed them.
After being caught looking her way more than a few times I made an effort to look down at my drink or at the table but found it difficult to resist looking back up to find her. When I gave in not only did I quickly find her but she was walking towards me. I had a sudden grip of panic without really knowing why. It was just a woman after all. I talked to people all day. I could talk to her. So why did I feel frozen?
Without need for invitation she sat down in the chair opposite me.
“Never been here before have you?”
“No. I just noticed it a few days ago and thought it looked like a good place to have a quiet drink.”
“If I’m bothering you I can go.” That smile spread across her face lighting up even her eyes and I definitely didn’t want her to go, though I wasn’t sure why I wanted her to stay either.
“No. That’s okay. I’m actually grateful for the company. I was feeling a little out of place.”
She leaned in closer to me and I could smell a scent on her that was both masculine and feminine and fuzzied my brain. I wanted to lean closer to breathe it in but didn’t.
“Baby, I’m guessing you are a little out of place,” she said with a wink. Then she leaned back in her seat and took a long swallow of her beer. “Planning to have just the one drink?” she asked looking at my nearly gone cosmo.
“Um, yea. I’m kind of a lightweight and I have to drive home still.”
“In a hurry to get there?” I guess I looked puzzled because she continued after finishing off her beer with another long swallow. “If you’re interested in a quiet place to really unwind I think I know just the place. I’ll drive.” She stood up and held her hand out for me knowing without question that I was going to take it.
What was I doing? I didn’t even know this woman yet I had a feeling she knew me in some way or at least knew what I was looking for tonight.
She took my hand and led me to the door dropping her empty bottle on the bar as we passed by without a word.
She opened the door to her car and I took a seat and buckled up, questioning my own sanity but certain I wanted to see where she was taking me.
In only a few minutes we were pulling in front of a small house and she was leading me out of the car to the front door. Just inside she told me to make myself at home as she took off her jacket and disappeared around the corner. As I was taking off my coat, she came back around with her dress shirt untucked the buttons undone showing a white t-shirt underneath and her sleeves rolled part of the way up her arms. I had apparently slowed down in ridding myself of my coat because I was noticing for the first time the breasts she had hidden under the dress shirt and with a small laugh she helped me the rest of the way out of my coat and laid it across the back of the couch.
I was trying to think of anything to say to take attention away from my reddening face but before I could utter a word she was within inches of my face again. That intoxicating smell of her making me dizzy, or was it the cosmo? Surely one drink wouldn’t have made me feel so unsteady.
Then she was touching me. Her hand was lightly touching mine; her thumb caressed the back of my hand. The back of the other hand gently grazed my cheek as she pushed the hair away from my face and tucked a strand behind my ear. I believe I was holding my breath while she looked at me, knowing yet not believing what was going to happen next. Then her hand was behind my head pulling me to her and her mouth took mine.
Her lips were soft and full and I was lost in the feel of them against mine. Her tongue danced along my lips and tongue like she knew how much I was enjoying the taste of her. She let go of my hand and ran hers up my back pulling me closer to her. Without thinking my hands were traveling up and down her back; feeling the softness of her curves underneath my touch, completely lost in all the sensations I was feeling at once.
She pulled back from the kiss taking a long look into my eyes. She must have found what she wanted to find because the next thing I knew she was kissing me again while walking me down the hallway. I was melted against her so entirely that I had no idea nor care of where we were going. I felt the light brushing of a doorway as we passed through and then as I felt the mattress against the backs of my legs the trembling began. She softly put her hands on either side of my face and pulled back enough to ask in a throaty whisper, “Okay?”
I simply nodded.
She gently guided me to sit on the end of the bed as she knelt in front of me and without ever looking away she removed my shoes. I watched her every move as if I had been put under a spell and couldn’t escape her gaze. I could feel the heaving of my breasts as my heart began to race and my breath quickened. She rose and instructed me to scoot back until my feet were on the bed in front of me. I watched her calmly walk to the side of the bed with the same confidence I had noticed at the bar before. She knew I was captivated and she was soaking it in.
With her eyes on mine she pulled her dress shirt off and gently laid it over the chair beside her. She grabbed the bottom of her t-shirt and pulled it up over her head and let it join the other shirt. A gasp had escaped my lips before I could catch it and she smiled at my embarrassment. Before I could cover my red face she was on the bed, on her knees straddling my legs and kissing me again. I felt light-headed, dizzy, like I was falling and I reached for her to keep me balanced. When my hand caught the feel of her skin I moaned lightly against her mouth. Never had I been kissed so fully and so gently at the same time and never had I kissed someone so silky to the touch.
She pulled away to raise my sweater up over my head and with one quick finger movement she had my bra undone. When she removed my bra and I felt the air on my breasts I started to panic again and began to voice a protest but before a word could leave my lips her mouth covered my nipple and her teeth grazed the tip just lightly and my breath caught in my throat. All thought of protest was lost.
I watched the poetic way she caressed and teased and held each breast. I felt every movement of her tongue and lips like a direct jolt between my legs. I was sure she knew what wonderful torture she was causing when she looked into my eyes with the most mischievous look and that beautiful smile. Leaving me no time to catch my breath she was kissing me again. Sucking my bottom lip gently and playing with my tongue as she pushed me back against the pillows.
Her hand was working the button and then the zipper of my pants and before I had even noticed she had pulled them off of me and had moved down my body. She ran one single finger up the crotch of my panties and then ran that finger along her lips. Embarrassment was far gone as I watched her suck the taste of me off her finger. She removed my panties and began to kiss the insides of my calves and then my thighs. She left lingering kisses and flicks of her tongue along my bikini line and moved across my pussy just close enough for me to feel her breath on the wetness she had created. She ran her tongue just under my belly button and back down to where I was desperate now to feel her.
Then all at once she sucked my clit into her mouth, rocking it between her tongue and lips. My hips lifted without my permission, wanting more of what I was feeling but feeling as if more would surely break me. As my hips were lifted she pushed through my wetness and I could feel her fingers massaging that secret spot inside me as she continued to seduce my clit into submission. I grasped at the sheets and the headboard and her hair trying to hold on to what was left of my own will but the explosive feeling began to grow and pound through my entire body as I rode her rhythm like a wave until I knew I couldn’t take it even one more moment without shattering into a million tiny pieces. And then it happened; all at once my body convulsed over and over again as the wave crashed against the shore and the most amazing orgasm slammed through me repeatedly until finally I slowly began the decent back to this heavenly place, where my body was drained and satiated and limp.
I felt the heat of her body next to mine as she pulled me into her arms and my head onto her chest and for what seemed like hours she just held me in silence. I didn’t question what had transpired, but instead allowed myself to enjoy the afterglow and fulfillment of the moment. The world outside that room disappeared from existence. My mind at last was quiet.
In a soft voice she said, “I wish you could stay, but I know you can’t.” I looked into her face and she kissed me again but now with the taste of myself on her lips. Surprisingly I was pleased by the idea that she was still able to taste me. I wanted to stay and kiss her more but I knew she was right. My time hidden from the world was coming to an end. As if she read my mind she slipped from the bed and gathered my clothes for me, kissing me again before walking into the bathroom. She brought back a warm wash cloth and gently washed away the visible signs of what had transpired just minutes before from between my legs though nothing could take away the feeling inside my still pulsing pussy. She smiled at the sight of me before tossing the cloth into the hamper and helping me dress.
Every few moments she would kiss me again and show me the smile that was so intoxicating to me. She gathered her shirts and put them on then led me back to the living room where we had begun. She grabbed my hand again like when we first arrived and brushed a kiss across my cheek and lips and just under my ear and down my neck.
“I don’t make a habit of this,” she almost whispered. “I saw you and I just had to know.”
“I know.” I said it because I knew exactly how she felt.
She smiled again and held my hand until we reached her car and got in. She continued to hold it the few minutes it took to get back to the bar where my car was parked. She raised my hand to her lips and kissed each knuckle until she came to my ring finger. She gently put her hand over mine and this time without a smile or even looking at me she faintly said, “He’s lucky to have you. I hope he knows that.”
One last kiss and I swallowed hard not knowing what to say. She found my words for me. “I may not see you again, but if you want to find me I’m half owner of this place.” She said as she nodded towards the bar.
“Okay.” That was all I could manage before I got out of her car and walked the short distance to mine. Once my door was open I heard her back out and drive away. I couldn’t watch her leave.
I sat down, looked at myself in the mirror, wondering how I could look the same and feel so very different. I took a long deep breath and then smiled bigger than I had in as long as I could remember. “Wow,” I said to myself quietly.
I put the car into reverse and started to back out when I hit the brake because I suddenly realized I hadn’t asked her name.
As I eased out and onto the road I laughed out loud, turned the radio up and sang at the top of my lungs all the way home.