There are numerous women in my life that fill numerous roles and I’ve had a carefully crafted organization system in place for years that keeps each in their zone.
They have started to move about the cabin freely without me turning off the seat belt sign, and to be completely honest, I’m not liking it.
I’m a big fan of clear cut lines and rules. This wasn’t always the case, but over the last decade or so it’s become helpful for dealing with my anxieties and insecurities. I like to know what to expect and from whom I can expect it.
In my attempt to “take control” of the direction my life is going in, I somehow overturned all the boxes, lost the labels, and shook up the etch a sketch road map.
I am excited about the future and the possibilities, but at the same time I’m feeling unmoored. My love life is completely up in the air. There is a big “we’ll see” over my relationship status. My “flirtationship” has been on the fritz like a wonky radio signal I lose just about the time I make out the lyrics of my favorite song. My female friends have morphed into my family, and the few I’m leaving behind in Ohio feel like an impending death in that family. Ohio is “only” 1000 miles from Oklahoma, but when you live on a strict budget that may as well be on the moon. My soon-to-be roommate has been my friend for almost 30 years and we couldn’t be more opposite on 99% of our opinions and I fear our new arrangement will cause issues there. (I’m mouthy and opinionated on a good day.) The women that have been friends I flirt with from a safe distance will no longer be at a distance and that worries me a lot because I’m all flirt and no intention with all of them so I have to pull on my big girl panties and draw some clearer lines there. I’m going to be moving closer to certain people I’ve been able to easily put in my rear-view mirror because of the distance. I want to keep them there, but I’m not terribly adept at being the asshole when I should be. For the first time in 11 years I’ll be able to rebuild a relationship with a young woman that, though born to another mother, was my daughter from the moment she took her first breath. After falling out with her biological mother she was kept from me as a child, but now as an adult I’m not sure where I fit into her life and that is an unpaved road that leaves me feeling like I need a GPS and a seeing eye dog.
It’s all so messy. It’s a lot of unknowns. It’s a lot of insecurities. It’s a lot of building, rebuilding, reevaluating, reconstructing, and self-reflection. I say I’m patient, but in truth I’m not when it comes to myself. I want all the answers and I want them now.
The thing they forget to mention to kids who are in a hurry to grow up is at no time in your adult life do you get the key to the library that holds the book that has all the answers. You don’t even get the cliff notes. Adulting is more like a self-guided study on theoretical physics just after having grasped 6th grade science and math.
Also; Packing sucks and if you can pay someone to do it for you I highly recommend it. Unfortunately I’m flying solo on that as well.
My life has been change after change after change; some chosen, some I fell into, others forced onto me. The upcoming changes in my life are a combination of all 3. I’ve been waiting to see where my partner was going to take her next steps and holding off making any choices until then. Unfortunately, as 50 creeps up on me, I’m feeling the pressure to find my next step faster than she is making decisions.
After seeing my daughter marry a man she loves and seeing so many of my friends finding the person they want to grow old with I knew it was time for me to decide for myself what comes next. The most important thing to me was to end my self-imposed isolation. Step one: find someone to share a home with; friend or lover didn’t matter, but I’ve fortunately found a friend of 3 decades to share a home with while I sort out the remainder.
I’m okay being single, more okay than I thought I’d be. I have visions of walking with my chihuahua strapped to my chest (Don’t judge. She’s old.) and my friend’s dog on a leash and exploring the back roads in Oklahoma. I’ll be a short drive from my hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma. I’ll be not far from my little girl until she decides where she would like to settle for good. I’ll be near my best friend. I’ll have my own space and no one imposing on me what they think I should be doing with my life. For the first time in over 20 years I’ll be free to be me without anyone I have to try to keep happy, no one I have to give up part of me to please.
That sounds crazy for someone my age, but honestly my “when I grow up” dream was always to be a wife and mother. My goal now is to figure out how to combine that dream with being my authentic self. After so long my “authentic self” is somewhat of a mystery. There are clues, bits and pieces that feel real. I get to spend the next little while sorting through what is me, what is the me I became to please others; to keep them happy, what parts fit the 50 year old me that is ready to settle into what I hope will be my happily ever after.
Also I have 30 years of dating under my belt that will have hopefully taught me something about choosing better, demanding better for myself, not settling for living half a life. I want that for myself and for my partner. I want to live a life, single or not, that is full of passion, learning, experiences, art, and comfort. I want to learn new things and try new things. I’d like a partner that wants the same. I want to dance and sing (badly unfortunately) and learn to be playful and relaxed. I want to love someone who comes home happy to see me and truly shares themselves with me. I want someone who doesn’t make me feel I can’t share everything with them. I want realness and openness and honesty, with myself first and then, hopefully, with the partner I’ll share my life with.
Where I end up in life doesn’t really matter to me as much as who I end up being. I want to be a light in the life of those who love me. I want to be authentic in everything I do and support others in doing the same. There’s a lot of work ahead to get to where I want to end up, but I have some amazing people in my life that support and love me through change after change. I see the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I want to share my life with in these amazing women I know and love. To know they exist makes the unknown journey ahead of me less frightening.
Stay tuned to see what I discover in the months and years ahead. Hopefully that will include some great writing as well.
Ever watched a Nicholas Sparks or Nora Ephron movie and thought to yourself, “That would never happen in real life.”?
I’m here to tell you it can and does happen. Once in a blue moon someone with a romantic streak a mile wide really does come along. Someone that doesn’t hesitate taking that first kiss; someone that yells they love you across a public space; someone that sends you daisies because they know the simple romantic flower means so much to you; someone who feels like the most luxurious and softest sweater that was hand knit just to bring you comfort and warmth can actually exist.
I’d looked a long time for that person, then stopped looking altogether. I decided my time had passed and I’d wasted my best years being stupid and a little too wild for my own good. I always knew I wanted someone to look at me across a table like I was the light at the end of their tunnel. I always dreamed of having someone that would open my door, hold my hand as if proud to be by my side, and not hold back on emotions because they were uncomfortable. I always knew I wanted a lifetime partner, a “happily ever after.” I just thought there was time, until time got away from me.
The most interesting part in my case is I’ve had some of those “only in the movies” moments here and there through my life, but they never stuck. The romance, the passion, or the person left before I knew it and I was back to square one.
Here’s the kicker; the crazy part of all this romantic fantasy….not only do I know those moments and feelings exist, but also I can describe the person who can provide them for me down to her toes.
She’s witty, a little snarky. She has a sentimental heart and tough outer shell, like a tootsie pop personified. She is soft, yet strong. She is kind when she can be and takes no shit when she needs to. She is so smart; a mind full of curiosity and eagerness to grow. She is devoted to those she loves and a loyal friend. She goes out of her way to remind people they matter. She is creative and adventurous. She can cook, but also appreciates a good meal prepared for her. She doesn’t expect perfection and even applauds an honest effort. She loves to make love and fill your head with filthy thoughts. She is passion. She is temptation. She is tenderness. She is beauty. The love she gives feels like a luxury reserved for saints and royals. She has a tender touch and a firm hand. She kisses like a dream. One look in her eyes and you’ll know you’re lost and you won’t care a single bit. She can wrap you in her arms and you’ll feel protected from the world; sheltered from the storm. She will keep her promises even when it pains her. She means what she says when she says it. Her laughter causes your own to bubble up. Her smile will melt you into a puddle. Her skin is cream, her lips the color of soft pink petals. She works to make sure her family lacks for nothing. She gives of herself and her time even to her detriment. She is eloquent and professional. She is silly and a dork. She is calm when chaos is around. She is the chaos when her look turns hungry and wanton. She is the prize, the endgame. She is the best way to wake up and my favorite dream. She is worth the wait.
Two hours ago I walked into the new bar in town with only thoughts of finding a dark corner to have one drink and quiet my mind. I told my husband I had to work late on paperwork, which wasn’t entirely a lie I just decided to put it off until another day. I needed a moment of “me” time. I’d been overwhelmed lately with stress at work, stress at home and the never-ending stream of bills that seem to find my mail slot. I’d not heard much about the new place so I didn’t think I’d run into anyone I knew and I was right. There wasn’t a single familiar face in the place. After ordering my cosmo I turned to find a table away from the handful of people mingling at that early hour and nearly ran into someone. Not just someone, but a woman with the most intriguing smile. I gave my apologies and quickly slipped away to the corner.
Sitting with my back to the wall I continued to watch her, occasionally meeting her glance and quickly looking away. She seemed to know several of the women there. She came across as confident, yet sweet, greeting each of her friends with a hug and that beautiful smile. Other people came and went but I barely noticed them.
After being caught looking her way more than a few times I made an effort to look down at my drink or at the table but found it difficult to resist looking back up to find her. When I gave in not only did I quickly find her but she was walking towards me. I had a sudden grip of panic without really knowing why. It was just a woman after all. I talked to people all day. I could talk to her. So why did I feel frozen?
Without need for invitation she sat down in the chair opposite me.
“Never been here before have you?”
“No. I just noticed it a few days ago and thought it looked like a good place to have a quiet drink.”
“If I’m bothering you I can go.” That smile spread across her face lighting up even her eyes and I definitely didn’t want her to go, though I wasn’t sure why I wanted her to stay either.
“No. That’s okay. I’m actually grateful for the company. I was feeling a little out of place.”
She leaned in closer to me and I could smell a scent on her that was both masculine and feminine and fuzzied my brain. I wanted to lean closer to breathe it in but didn’t.
“Baby, I’m guessing you are a little out of place,” she said with a wink. Then she leaned back in her seat and took a long swallow of her beer. “Planning to have just the one drink?” she asked looking at my nearly gone cosmo.
“Um, yea. I’m kind of a lightweight and I have to drive home still.”
“In a hurry to get there?” I guess I looked puzzled because she continued after finishing off her beer with another long swallow. “If you’re interested in a quiet place to really unwind I think I know just the place. I’ll drive.” She stood up and held her hand out for me knowing without question that I was going to take it.
What was I doing? I didn’t even know this woman yet I had a feeling she knew me in some way or at least knew what I was looking for tonight.
She took my hand and led me to the door dropping her empty bottle on the bar as we passed by without a word.
She opened the door to her car and I took a seat and buckled up, questioning my own sanity but certain I wanted to see where she was taking me.
In only a few minutes we were pulling in front of a small house and she was leading me out of the car to the front door. Just inside she told me to make myself at home as she took off her jacket and disappeared around the corner. As I was taking off my coat, she came back around with her dress shirt untucked the buttons undone showing a white t-shirt underneath and her sleeves rolled part of the way up her arms. I had apparently slowed down in ridding myself of my coat because I was noticing for the first time the breasts she had hidden under the dress shirt and with a small laugh she helped me the rest of the way out of my coat and laid it across the back of the couch.
I was trying to think of anything to say to take attention away from my reddening face but before I could utter a word she was within inches of my face again. That intoxicating smell of her making me dizzy, or was it the cosmo? Surely one drink wouldn’t have made me feel so unsteady.
Then she was touching me. Her hand was lightly touching mine; her thumb caressed the back of my hand. The back of the other hand gently grazed my cheek as she pushed the hair away from my face and tucked a strand behind my ear. I believe I was holding my breath while she looked at me, knowing yet not believing what was going to happen next. Then her hand was behind my head pulling me to her and her mouth took mine.
Her lips were soft and full and I was lost in the feel of them against mine. Her tongue danced along my lips and tongue like she knew how much I was enjoying the taste of her. She let go of my hand and ran hers up my back pulling me closer to her. Without thinking my hands were traveling up and down her back; feeling the softness of her curves underneath my touch, completely lost in all the sensations I was feeling at once.
She pulled back from the kiss taking a long look into my eyes. She must have found what she wanted to find because the next thing I knew she was kissing me again while walking me down the hallway. I was melted against her so entirely that I had no idea nor care of where we were going. I felt the light brushing of a doorway as we passed through and then as I felt the mattress against the backs of my legs the trembling began. She softly put her hands on either side of my face and pulled back enough to ask in a throaty whisper, “Okay?”
I simply nodded.
She gently guided me to sit on the end of the bed as she knelt in front of me and without ever looking away she removed my shoes. I watched her every move as if I had been put under a spell and couldn’t escape her gaze. I could feel the heaving of my breasts as my heart began to race and my breath quickened. She rose and instructed me to scoot back until my feet were on the bed in front of me. I watched her calmly walk to the side of the bed with the same confidence I had noticed at the bar before. She knew I was captivated and she was soaking it in.
With her eyes on mine she pulled her dress shirt off and gently laid it over the chair beside her. She grabbed the bottom of her t-shirt and pulled it up over her head and let it join the other shirt. A gasp had escaped my lips before I could catch it and she smiled at my embarrassment. Before I could cover my red face she was on the bed, on her knees straddling my legs and kissing me again. I felt light-headed, dizzy, like I was falling and I reached for her to keep me balanced. When my hand caught the feel of her skin I moaned lightly against her mouth. Never had I been kissed so fully and so gently at the same time and never had I kissed someone so silky to the touch.
She pulled away to raise my sweater up over my head and with one quick finger movement she had my bra undone. When she removed my bra and I felt the air on my breasts I started to panic again and began to voice a protest but before a word could leave my lips her mouth covered my nipple and her teeth grazed the tip just lightly and my breath caught in my throat. All thought of protest was lost.
I watched the poetic way she caressed and teased and held each breast. I felt every movement of her tongue and lips like a direct jolt between my legs. I was sure she knew what wonderful torture she was causing when she looked into my eyes with the most mischievous look and that beautiful smile. Leaving me no time to catch my breath she was kissing me again. Sucking my bottom lip gently and playing with my tongue as she pushed me back against the pillows.
Her hand was working the button and then the zipper of my pants and before I had even noticed she had pulled them off of me and had moved down my body. She ran one single finger up the crotch of my panties and then ran that finger along her lips. Embarrassment was far gone as I watched her suck the taste of me off her finger. She removed my panties and began to kiss the insides of my calves and then my thighs. She left lingering kisses and flicks of her tongue along my bikini line and moved across my pussy just close enough for me to feel her breath on the wetness she had created. She ran her tongue just under my belly button and back down to where I was desperate now to feel her.
Then all at once she sucked my clit into her mouth, rocking it between her tongue and lips. My hips lifted without my permission, wanting more of what I was feeling but feeling as if more would surely break me. As my hips were lifted she pushed through my wetness and I could feel her fingers massaging that secret spot inside me as she continued to seduce my clit into submission. I grasped at the sheets and the headboard and her hair trying to hold on to what was left of my own will but the explosive feeling began to grow and pound through my entire body as I rode her rhythm like a wave until I knew I couldn’t take it even one more moment without shattering into a million tiny pieces. And then it happened; all at once my body convulsed over and over again as the wave crashed against the shore and the most amazing orgasm slammed through me repeatedly until finally I slowly began the decent back to this heavenly place, where my body was drained and satiated and limp.
I felt the heat of her body next to mine as she pulled me into her arms and my head onto her chest and for what seemed like hours she just held me in silence. I didn’t question what had transpired, but instead allowed myself to enjoy the afterglow and fulfillment of the moment. The world outside that room disappeared from existence. My mind at last was quiet.
In a soft voice she said, “I wish you could stay, but I know you can’t.” I looked into her face and she kissed me again but now with the taste of myself on her lips. Surprisingly I was pleased by the idea that she was still able to taste me. I wanted to stay and kiss her more but I knew she was right. My time hidden from the world was coming to an end. As if she read my mind she slipped from the bed and gathered my clothes for me, kissing me again before walking into the bathroom. She brought back a warm wash cloth and gently washed away the visible signs of what had transpired just minutes before from between my legs though nothing could take away the feeling inside my still pulsing pussy. She smiled at the sight of me before tossing the cloth into the hamper and helping me dress.
Every few moments she would kiss me again and show me the smile that was so intoxicating to me. She gathered her shirts and put them on then led me back to the living room where we had begun. She grabbed my hand again like when we first arrived and brushed a kiss across my cheek and lips and just under my ear and down my neck.
“I don’t make a habit of this,” she almost whispered. “I saw you and I just had to know.”
“I know.” I said it because I knew exactly how she felt.
She smiled again and held my hand until we reached her car and got in. She continued to hold it the few minutes it took to get back to the bar where my car was parked. She raised my hand to her lips and kissed each knuckle until she came to my ring finger. She gently put her hand over mine and this time without a smile or even looking at me she faintly said, “He’s lucky to have you. I hope he knows that.”
One last kiss and I swallowed hard not knowing what to say. She found my words for me. “I may not see you again, but if you want to find me I’m half owner of this place.” She said as she nodded towards the bar.
“Okay.” That was all I could manage before I got out of her car and walked the short distance to mine. Once my door was open I heard her back out and drive away. I couldn’t watch her leave.
I sat down, looked at myself in the mirror, wondering how I could look the same and feel so very different. I took a long deep breath and then smiled bigger than I had in as long as I could remember. “Wow,” I said to myself quietly.
I put the car into reverse and started to back out when I hit the brake because I suddenly realized I hadn’t asked her name.
As I eased out and onto the road I laughed out loud, turned the radio up and sang at the top of my lungs all the way home.