monique.p.author@gmail.com

Archive for the ‘Pets’ Category

Midlife Crisis?

As a person who has battled depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember; sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between depressive episodes and other negative mood traits. Bad just feels bad. Sometimes, however, feeling bad feels like a weight on your chest. You can pretend it’s not there; hide it from those around you, but all you can think about is finding a way to rid yourself of its suffocating effects.

I thought I was just being perimenopausal. I’m that age. Mood swings, hot flashes, yadda yadda yadda. I felt worn out and blamed that on my inability to sleep when my body can’t seem to decide if it’s hot or cold, or most often on fire followed by freezing. My daughter has moved out of the house. My dearest pets are showing their age. All reasons that can explain away my lack of enthusiasm for getting out of bed each day.

Some days I get a spark of “I can take on the world,” usually followed by posts and blogs about the power of positivity and making big changes and being true to myself. (See previous posts.)

In the last few months I’ve discovered I’m more often finding reasons to not participate in the world outside my door. I’m looking at the future with resignation that my best years are behind me. I think of my age and believe I’ve passed the point where I should have my shit together and even attempting to get there now would be a waste of time. I feel the aches and pains of a 47 year old body and it reminds me that it only gets worse from here.

I’ve been considering making efforts to change my occupation, but then I convince myself no one wants a middle aged woman who is trying to start from the bottom.

I list all the “shoulds”:

I SHOULD own a home.

I SHOULD be married.

I SHOULD have a career I enjoy.

I SHOULD be driving a newer car.

I SHOULD have gotten healthier before it was too late.

I SHOULD have traveled more.

I SHOULD feel settled into my life.

I SHOULD be better at being an adult.

I can go nearly a week without leaving my house, without bathing, without changing clothes, without having a single vegetable, without brushing my hair or my teeth, without cleaning a single dish, without spending more than the time it takes to nuke a frozen burrito out of my bed, or without sleeping or staying awake more than a few hours at a time. I can do all this and KNOW I need to do something different, but lack the ability to walk past my bedroom without crawling right back under the blankets.

I lie to people about things I’m accomplishing or things I’ve been doing in all my spare time. I lie to myself and say, “Tomorrow I’ll start [fill in the blank].” I might even believe it when I think it. My gung-ho attitude lasts until my next nap which isn’t far off.

I keep thinking certainly I won’t go another 30 or more years and it not get better than this, then immediately think the best has already came and gone and I wasted it on stupid youthful pursuits and bad decisions.

One moment I think I should just cut ties with my partner, who will leave eventually anyway, and move on to whatever comes next. The next moment I think I’ve dedicated a decade of my life to this person and why would I invest 10 years in someone I love only to wash my hands of her.

There are moments I believe she knows me better than anyone shortly followed by moments where I truly believe she doesn’t even see me.

There are moments of gratitude for the genuine friends I have made in my life and many more moments where I feel completely alone.

There seems to be a change on the horizon, but will it pass by during one of the five naps I take in a day?

Will this pass or am I as stuck as I feel? Is this normal? Is normal actually a thing?

My track record of poor choices isn’t exactly inspirational when it comes to convincing myself to pull myself up by the bootstraps and make things happen. So, for now, I’m going to stay under the blankets with my books and my furbabies and hope this is a phase and, like the cold weather outside, will pass without my intervention.

I just don’t have it in me to do more than survive it right now. I’m choosing to believe surviving it is enough for today.

 

 

Category:

Aging, Alone, Anxiety, Defeat, Depression, Fear, Future, Hope, Hopes and Dreams, Indulgence, Life, Living, Love, Mental Illness, Midlife Crisis, Mistakes, Nap, Napping, Needs, Overwhelming, Passion, People, Perimenopause, Perspective, Pets, Relationships, Uncategorized, Worry

Tagged with:

Titles Are Hard

Every time I sit down to write anything, whether it be a blog entry or a poem or a story, the first thing I try to think of is the title. I type a word or two, erase it, type another, erase that, stare at the screen for several minutes, and then start the process again.

I hate titles.

Now that we’ve covered that small(ish) issue; here’s what I wanted to write about…..

THANKSGIVING

Someone eventually asks “What are you thankful for?” at some point during the day nearly every year. This year I decided to preemptively answer the question. It’s harder to answer than you might think if you don’t count the standard “Family and Friends” answers, but last night I spent my nightly hours of staring into the darkness with my mind racing while I should be sleeping working on this list.

  1. I’m thankful for unconditional love. Let me be a bit more specific; I honestly don’t think humans are fully capable of truly unconditional love. However, those 4-legged members of our families; the cats we accidentally lock in a closet for an entire day and the dogs we make pee outside when it’s so cold we won’t go outside ourselves without nine layers of clothes that still greet us like we are the best thing about their entire day/life/world. I have 4 of them. They calm my anxiety, they cuddle me at bedtime, they kiss away my tears, they keep me company when I’m not good company, they don’t complain about the documentaries I watch, they don’t talk to me when I read….well that’s not entirely true because my Siamese cat, Ziggy, talks to me pretty much all the time, but he doesn’t seem to mind that I mumble, “I know” or “Is that right?” while really not paying attention to what he’s saying. Do you know any humans that do all of these things? I surely don’t. I’m so thankful for my furbabies and how much love they bring to my daily existence. (BTW, Today is also the 9th birthday of my youngest chihuahua, Jasmine Rose. Happy Birthday, Punkin!)
  2. I’m thankful for medical science. Without it I couldn’t stand my own company, leave my house, get out of bed most days, sleep at all most nights, breathe around my beloved furbabies, hear out of my non-working ears, see out of my non-working eyes, or deal with half a dozen other things that don’t work properly on my genetically disadvantaged self.
  3. I’m thankful for authors; more precisely authors who continue to astound me with words that open new worlds, plots that make me think about things I never pondered, and while taking me out of my reality remind me I’m never truly alone as long as I have a book. Thank you, Authors, for continuing to share your gift with the world.

Happy Thanksgiving, My Friends. Be thankful today. If you can’t think of anything to be thankful for just remember we now have Google and that’s certainly something!

Monique P.

 

 

Category:

#Read, #reader, Anxiety, Authors, Book, Books, Cats, Chihuahua, Furbabies, Google, Humor, Life, Living, Love, Pets, Read, Readers, Science, Thankful, Thanksgiving, Titles, Uncategorized, Unconditional Love

Tagged with:

Grateful For The Little Things

Some days you crawl into bed and think, “Thank goodness this day is over!” Even on those days there are things to be grateful for. As I crawl into bed tonight I’m thankful for my 2 sweet Chihuahuas that like to cuddle me when I sleep alone. I’m grateful for my Siamese cat, Ziggy, that lies by my head and softly purrs me to sleep. I’m grateful for the books I read to relax and drift into another world so I can rid myself of any negative from the day. I’m thankful for the good parts of my health and that I have a job that pays the bills. I’m thankful for texts from my wonderful friends, my partner and especially my gorgeous daughter (non-biological from a previous relationship) that always make me smile and feel loved. I’m thankful for free Kindle books. I’m grateful for the beautiful flower baskets my partner bought for my front porch. I’m grateful for a car that runs and medical insurance that covers my hearing aids. I’m grateful I have a stylist who always does my hair perfectly. I’m grateful for swimming pools and nice breezes. I’m grateful for the deer and the black squirrels and the baby bunnies I see wandering around the area. I’m grateful for good coffee and dark chocolate. I’m thankful for the nice dinners out and the foot rubs and hugs I get from my partner. I’m thankful for my generous friends and family that think of me and surprise me with gifts even though I’m so far away. I’m thankful my father remarried a wonderful woman who gave me a wonderful little brother. Although my step-mom is gone from this world I’m thankful she no longer hurts from cancer. I’m thankful for the amazing years I had with my grandma and all the wisdom she shared. I’m thankful for my two amazing aunts who are also wonderful mothers. I’m thankful for friends I can talk to about literature and cooking and movies and love. I’m grateful for love and hope. I’m grateful I am smart enough not to give up on either one of those. I’m thankful for my ability and willingness to learn new things. I’m grateful the world is changing in some wonderful ways. I’m grateful for daisies and peonies and the smell of jasmine.

I’m grateful I have a voice and I’m not afraid to use it. I’m especially grateful for those of you who care enough to read what I have to say.

Be thankful everyday.  No matter what you do or do not have, you have more than some and sometimes that’s just enough.

Monique P.

Category:

Books, Chocolate, Cooking, Daughter, Family, Friends, Grandma, Gratitude, Hope, Love, Pets, Relationships

Tagged with:

Tag Cloud